Letter to God - In the Pain

Dear God,

I would have thought I would be ready for this.

For 11 ½ years I have known that the cancer would eventually take her life.  For the past five weeks as she enjoyed the care of hospice I have known that her time had come near.  Together we wrote her obituary, planned the funeral, and even went on a road trip so she could see the church and funeral chapel where the funeral and visitation would be held.  You would have thought I’d be ready.

I’m not.  

Someone came to the door the other day and I nearly said, “Hang on, let me get Shannon.”  A woodpecker decided to come perch on our deck door and I almost yelled down the hall for her to come and see.  God, I can’t believe she is gone.  My brain somehow knows it but by whole being wants to wake from this bad dream and have her sitting by my side once again.

I thought I’d prepared things, but nothing prepared me for the utter pain in my soul.  Thoughts keep flooding my mind, thoughts of things I will never do with Shannon again: walking in the woods (hand in hand), planning the next venture for her business, watching our son run a race, enjoy her karaoke set-up, the list could go on and on.   God, I loved her so much.  How can she be gone?  How can it be that I will live the rest of my days without my best friend? 

I’m trying to cling to words of hope.  I know that she rests in your arms now, but I want her in mine.   I don’t want any of this to be happening. 

I know that tonight at the visitation and tomorrow at the funeral you will surround me with your love through the arms of many, many people.  As a pastor I’ve walked with many families through this dark journey.  This path is different.  It’s my own.  Words can’t describe how hard this is. 

On Sunday I lost my wife.  Ben lost his mother.  Life will not be the same.  God, I reach into the darkness, hoping and praying that you are there, clinging to your promises.  

Pete