Letter to God - I'm Here

Dear God –

Nearly two weeks after my wife passed away this isn’t what I expected.

I expected to have times of intense grief.  I prepared to be overwhelmed every time I thought of Shannon.  I was a bit concerned that I wouldn’t be able to function very well.  Even though I’ve intentionally spent time remembering Shannon (spending most evenings opening sympathy cards), that hasn’t been the case.  There have only been a few moments of tears.

I thought I would have many thoughts connecting Shannon with the readings from Revelation I heard at the funeral, moments of contemplating her with that heavenly choir conquering death.   I’ve done this with my mom Edee for most of my life.  Somehow my brain can’t wrap itself around the fact that Shannon is there.  It doesn’t seem real.

I thought I would constantly forget that she wasn’t in the house with me, that I’d always think I had her to talk to, that I’d feel her presence.  I haven’t.  It’s been pretty obvious that it’s just Ben and me. 

I part of me expected that I’d energetically move on.  After weeks (and years) of taking time to care for Shannon with her many health needs I’m free to go out on new ventures.  I was a bit concerned that I’d just move on and forget to grieve.  There have been moments when it’s felt like a weight has lifted, but overall I’ve lacked much energy.  Right now the future seems a bit overwhelming.  There are exciting aspects of it, but it’ll be a lot of work to get there.

I want to enthusiastically embrace the love that people have shown for me through cards and conversations.  In some ways it’s been great to know that we’re not alone.  In other times, as Ben mentioned last night, “I just want to live life and not have people always remind me that I should be grieving.  I want to remember mom, not her death.”  People seem to expect an intense response when checking in with me.  I guess I haven’t had the intensity to give.

It’s hard to explain.  My emotions have been numb.  They don’t get high or low.  When people ask, “How are you?” my reply is quite truthful: “I’m here.”  That’s about all I can say.  God, I want to feel swaddled in your love.  Frankly, I don’t.  I feared that I would feel distant and angry with You.  I don’t.  I’m not filled with great hope or overwhelmed with deep despair.

Today, I’m here.  That’s about all I can say.  I pray that You are here too.