Letter to God - The Coming Darkness

Dear God,

Boy have I had a lot of fun this past month!  It’s like a weight has lifted and I’m free. So many things were not possible when caring for a wife with cancer.    Now I have a sense of freedom to be able to get together with people and do things I haven’t done in years.

-          I got to go to Chicago to a Northwestern football game with some old college buddies.  I haven’t seen some of them in over a decade.    

-          I’ve gotten together with people to watch football games on TV.  Shannon enjoyed watching the Vikings, but stayed too calm.  It’s been fun to properly ‘help’ the team from afar (I know they can hear me!).

-          I’ve been amazed at the number of people that I’ve been able to get together with and share a beer.  I’m a social creature so connecting with so many has been wonderful.  I’m also finding some very good brews in Rochester.

-          I even got to go on an epic road trip with Richard to a toy soldier show in Washington DC.  In four days we covered 9 states, toured the Gettysburg battlefield, and even got to have lunch with my brother Jim in Detroit.

People continue to ask, “How are you doing?”  With all these fun activities underway my response has been a very genuine, “I’m doing well.”

Tomorrow afternoon a new adventure begins.  I learned that I have hit the ‘use it or lose it’ portion of my vacation for 2016.  This is a first for me.  I always enjoy every minute of my vacation in a year.  This year, however, a couple vacations were cut short because Shannon didn’t feel good (or because of radiation).  So I now have a couple weeks of vacation around the holidays.  My brain keeps telling me that this will be amazing and awesome.  I’ll have time to do some fun things.  I’ll catch up on things around the house.  I’ll be able to relax and enjoy life.  I'll sign on with Netflix and watch movies.

My brain says it should be fun, my gut doesn’t quite agree.  After two months of fun with many people (and some great things happening at work) life will come to a screeching halt.  Instead of filling the days with people and conversation I will spend it at home.  Ben will be around and we’ll do some things together, but I don’t expect Ben to drop everything and hang out with dad for a few weeks.  He has friends to be with.  It’s his senior year, he needs them!

God, I have things to do over this vacation, things I haven’t gotten to since Shannon died.  Shannon has a whole hobby room full of things that I need to sort through.  Many memories are in there.  After she went on hospice she actually apologized for leaving me so much to sort through!  I have books to find homes for.  How many cookbooks does a person need anyway?!  Keepsakes are important, but I have no need to keep every little thing she owned.  

So while most people are wrapped up in the Christmas season of joy and hope, I will spend time in the past.  I will hold many reminders of the woman I loved.  The busyness and fun will end for a while.  For the first time since Shannon died it’ll be me and my thoughts.  I know this is a part of the healing process but I’m not looking forward to it.  It will be a lot more of the darkness of Advent than the bright light of Christmas. 

God, I know you are in the midst of all these memories. I haven’t had many moments of tears lately.  That’s about to change.  Intellectually I know that I won’t be alone.  You will be there with me.  Help me to feel your presence.  Help me to know your love.  Shine a glimmer of light into my darkness.

O come, O come, Emanuel!