Letter to God - The Isolation of Cancer

Dear God,

I’m coming to realize what an impact cancer has had on me over the past 11 years.  It took Shannon’s life.  It also isolated me from the world.

Before cancer arrived in our lives Shannon and I were out and about.  We had friends to play cards with.  We cooked together.  We had a huge garden, spending our evenings canning beans and freezing corn.  We went on daily walks, hand in hand.  We sat on porches and chatted with neighbors.  We went camping regularly.  We did most everything together and loved every minute of it.

When we found out she had cancer we had to stop those things while they blasted her with chemotherapy.  As soon as that awful time ended we got right back into card playing and gardening.  The cancer returned a second time and we had less time and energy for things.   We didn’t realize it at the time but our life in isolation had begun. 

It didn’t hit all at once.  Life changed a little at a time.  We got together with people less often because Shannon didn’t have energy for it.  Sometimes just going to worship on Sunday was all she could handle.  Shannon slowly lost the strength to help with mundane things like laundry, dishes, or cooking as most of the household tasks fell to me.  We hired housekeepers to do the deep cleaning, but someone had to have things ready for them to come.   My days off became a long list of tasks to accomplish.  I grew exhausted.

Shannon constantly implored me to ‘get out there and have some fun.’  I did my best, getting together with Dave for a beer or with Eric at the lake, though as time went on even that became difficult.  To have a social life I had to leave Shannon behind.  For a while it wasn’t a big deal, but as she lost energy I felt like I was abandoning her.  My deep love for my wife kept me near her as much as possible.  My time with others slowly slipped away. 

Little by little cancer isolated me.  When not at work I plugged away around the house while she rested.  That’s what became normal.  I used the little free time that I had to be with her, still walking whenever possible, but now avoiding contact with others.  The goal was to get her some exercise and get her home.  Standing and chatting took too much out of her.  My one ‘selfish’ activity was running (and it kept me sane).

God, it’s only now, looking back on things, that I see how cancer stripped away so many things that I loved to do.  I’m a social creature and don’t do well when by myself for hours on end.   Life has been hard.

Now that Shannon has died life has changed dramatically.  In the past couple weeks I’ve done more things with friends that I’ve been able to do in years.  I get together for a drink after work.  I watch football with guys.  I head off to run in far away races.  I have a social life again.  It’s been amazing.

God, I admit that part of me feels guilty that I’m enjoying life.  Shouldn’t I be pining away for my deceased wife?  On the other hand I’m finally doing what she’s implored me to do for years.  “Get out there and have some fun.”   

Cancer took away so much.  You remain.  Shannon has new life in You.  I now have new life as well. Thank you for the hope You provide.